To BE or not to BE… a MOM… THAT IS THE QUESTION……
puppies have excited me my entire life, more than babies. a baby comes into the room, i look and i’m like, aww..cute… there has never been a part of me that has wanted to pick up the baby or engage in “baby talk”.i simply think the baby is cute and then i go on. a puppy walks into the room and i gush with JOY! i annoyingly “puppy talk” and i WILL snuggle the puppy, hug the puppy, kiss the puppy, play with the puppy and tell the entire world how adorable the puppy is. bottom line….
i have never wanted kids.
then…. i fell in love with the most AMAZING human being on this planet. guess what? he had a child. a beautiful blonde 4 year old with stunning blue eyes. boys with babies was SO AGAINST “my rules”, but HE was amazing and SHE came with him… i quickly fell in LOVE with her too. we married… the once me, never a human mom, only a fur baby mom, is now a full time step-mom. to this date, HARDEST job i’ve ever done, BUT i would not change it for the world….SHE & HE are my world. SHE has taught me SO much.
2 years into our marriage, we “tried” for an entire year to get pregnant. NOT because i wanted to, but because it’s what i thought i was supposed to do. i literally did headstands after the “love-making” which was actually a chore because we were “trying” SO HARD, i was calculating every move. not fun. never pregnant.
why am i doing this? i don’t want to raise a human. we talked, and we were both on the same page, that this was just not for us. we enjoyed our freedom, the family of 3 we had was perfect.
we STOPPED “trying”, but NEVER used birth control. never got pregnant. is it Gods plan?
fast forward 8 years into our marriage, 10.5 years together, in LOVE. HE & SHE are more amazing to me than ever. we have LIVED life. we have followed our dreams. we LOVE one another deeply. i start having the CRAZY thoughts of creating a human with the LOVE of my life. the thoughts of the beauty that him and i could create excited my soul. thoughts of, what if our almighty God needed the LOVE of my life “too soon”, i would want a part of him that we created to be with me, and vice versa. i’m curious as to what our baby would look like? i’m curious of the biological bond you have with your child. what personality traits will my child get from me? i have had visions of being a mom. i have had visions of a girl. i’ve even named her.
WHO would WE create?… i NEVER expressed these feelings with my husband. i shut these feelings down. we decided NOT to do this. what would HE think?
date night… last summer… 8 years in, to my surprise, only 1 cocktail in. my husband says to me, “what if we had a baby?” my heart stopped beating. oh. my. god. did. he. just. say. that? HE was curious too. the SAME time i was. coincidence? maybe. soulmates? probably. we talked about the possibility of OUR creation…we drank more and WE got so excited that we “tried” that night. then….
WE WOKE UP.
ok. we need to really think about this. it WILL change our life, and are we READY for that? we decided to pray and wait. we even talked to our daughter about it. after 3 months, we decided, NO. that was February 2017.
July 16, 2017, we had a Sunday fun day at the pool. ME & HIM. a bit of vodka and la croix. here it comes… what if? “baby” omg. are you serious? the thought had partially left my mind. we discussed the why’s and the why nots. me personally… i’m scared. i’m scared of loosing my freedom. i’m scared i won’t be a good mom. i will be an old mom. i’m scared my child will be special needs. i’m scared my child will get hurt. i’m scared my child won’t love me. i’m scared i will fail my creation.
to be honest, kids drive me bonkers at times. everyone says it’s different when it’s your own. everyone says it’s a magical bond, like no other. everyone says, you will never understand until you have one of your own.
in my close to 40 years of living, and seeing so many amazing women become MOTHERS, i have also seen the struggle of being a mom. no sleep. no time for yourself. heartbreak. stress on your marriage. stress on your body. i feel like women tell me it’s all worth it, but are they really telling the truth?
the fear stands strong, but the uncertainty is exciting. do we put this into OUR creators hands and be open to the life change?
I AM A MOM. to my loving and beautiful daughter, Tiara.
do i need more?
my husband and i LOVE each other deeply, and the thoughts of us creating are NOT to fix anything. it’s purely to create and expand our LOVE, to leave a part of our LOVE legacy.
to BE or not to BE… a MOM? or just stick with puppy love………..